I love You forever.

I love You forever.

March 7, 2017 1 By fixedonfood

Dead Mom and Dad:

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I was such a hard teenager. I’m sorry that I was confusing. That I couldn’t find the words to tell you what I really needed, because I didn’t know either. I’m sorry that I rebelled with food. I’m sorry that I took my anger out on you that really came from a place of embarrassment and frustration over my ever-growing frame, and confusion because I felt lost in life.

I’m thankful for the start of my weight loss. For that breath of fresh air we all got in between the hard and the hard. I’m thankful for the encouragement you gave me, even when it felt like I hated that you’d even dare mention that it would feel better to go for a walk than eat an entire cake.

And I’m sorry for the downward spiral. For making you cook my separate food no matter how much love you put into a meal just because I was terrified of the food and refused to eat it. I’m sorry for the times I avoided my family for fear of the loss of control over food. I’m sorry that you fell behind eating and exercising for a period of time in my life. I’m sorry for scaring you when I’d come home smaller and smaller.

I cannot imagine what you went through. How many nights you laid in bed trying to figure out why I was always so mad. How to help me. How to not lose me.

Thank you.

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for holding my hand as I took big steps and little steps. Thank you for continuing to build me up and helping me find my strengths in other areas of life no matter what size I was. Thank you for cooking my weird food and not making me feel like a freak about it. Thank you for doing your best to encourage me at every size with clearance rack shopping sprees. Thank you for not rejecting me when I attempted to reject you and everyone else around me. Thank you for never approaching my weight in a harmful, hurtful way. Thank you for holding me as I cried about being too big, and then again when I cried because I was stuck, and then again when I was terrified of not staying small. Thank you for rolling with the punches that I constantly threw. And climbing the walls I constantly built. Thank you for going into the depths of hell to find me and pull me back up.

I want you to know that I have a lot of happy memories because of you. I have a desire to find the balance and peace that you demonstrate when it comes to food and my body. To let food and eating become more of a natural occurrence rather than a constant battle with my inner demons. You taught me that it’s ok to keep a spoon in the freezer and eat popcorn for supper sometimes because life it too short for rules.

As I watch my little girl grow, I think about all of the challenges we faced through my years on earth and I give thanks that I picked you as my parents. The good Lord knew it wasn’t going to be an easy task, and you were up for the challenge.

May we have so many more memory-filled years together. May the battles over weight and body and mind be behind us as I finally realize that we’re forever on the same team.

Thank you.

I love you forever.


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