Sometimes I get so, SO mad.
So, SO sad.
So, SO frustrated.
So, SO, SOOOOO… well, OK you get the idea.
It’s too much.
And then I turn to the internet, which tells me that I should NOT be feeling this way. I should just flip a switch and think happy thoughts. It makes me feel like I’m even more broken then I had previously thought.
I’m broken because I can’t just be happy.
I’m broken because I can’t feel less.
I’m broken because I can’t just brush things off.
Has anyone else every gotten stuck in this shit storm? I suck. And I suck for thinking I suck. And I suck because I’m thinking that I think I suck. Etc.
It’s a deep, dark, endless hole.
I want to flip the script and instead give you permission to feel. You have every right in the world to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling.
Feel mad. Feel sad. Feel frustrated.
The work is in how you handle it. Do you meditate? Do you go for a walk? Do you throw some weights around? Do you call a loved one? Do you watch your favorite crappy reality show?
Or do you eat shit?
Listen. I’m not going to sit and shake my finger at you if you choose the latter. Because, like 2 nights ago I buried my face in a bag of peanut m&m’s and didn’t come up for air until I saw the bottom of the bag. WHY!? It turns out, from what I can tell… I was stressed. I felt overwhelmed and alone.
And somehow, I thought that by dominating that yellow bag of deliciousness, I’d find power again.
I didn’t, by the way. It only added to the overwhelm. It added to the stress. And it made me feel like I don’t deserve to be with people because I turn into an animal around food.
Instead of dealing with my emotions- giving them a voice, or a tear, or an escape… I buried them in chocolate and peanuts. And it did nothing. When I came back into consciousness I realized that the feelings were still there. Just slightly elevated because I had sugar pulsing throughout my body and felt like a big, fat loser.
I’m certainly not “there” yet in terms of dealing instead of eating my emotions… but I’m closer than I was even a month ago. It’s way harder to do the work mentally and physically to overcome something like this than it is to simply throw your hands up (high enough in the cupboard or pantry to get to the snacks you put out of reach).
There is power in the PAUSE.
And there’s power in letting yourself FEEL.
Keep going. Keep trying. Keep feeling. You’ll get there.